@miRuLez the SwEetNeSs of LiFe

The Sadness is all I have now

Dear,

I was in total despair, haunting in the dark and sick. I still can’t believe myself, for someone that I truly cherish and love, the one and only in my life “tergamak” to do something beyond my expectation. We have been together for almost 2 years, 2 years of ups and downs, which I’m optimisticly believe it is an essence in life.

I have been accused all this while as someone who did not appreciate love, always keeps secret which leads to dishonesty, and my past bad experience has been used as a statement to bring my feet back to ground. I endure all this, I take this positively for me to grow stronger and wiser. Which I still hold one and the only precious thing that holds out relationship till yesterday, the essence of my trust, believe and love. I always believe my love of mylife despite what has been done, unfortunately yesterday it has been broken into pieces.

How can I move on or accept you back dear when the only thing that hold us together has been crushed? You told me not keep secret and be honest, However you have been keeping the darkest secret for the past 6 months ago as per what you told me? And we just came back from our journey last weekend and you managed to behave like nothing happened? Why? Why?

You know everytime we have been enduring hard times and everytime you challenge me to have a break, I will stand back and hold things back together as a proof I believe in our relationship. As I believe you did the same to grab us together. However beside this, you have been keeping that secret from me and you just told me the reason why you did it because to was stressed and angry towards me at that time. Have I done the same when I was in you condition dear? Have I? I decided to leave my circle of friends, social life just to spend more time with you and to avoid unnecessary jealousy. Even though I have been accused for having an affair with my close friend, which has makes me in sadness for ages.

Now you have asked for my forgiveness and you told me not to leave you alone, and repeated told me to give you chance. My answer is I do not know, I just woke up in confusion and I do not know what should I do? The person I love, trust and respect has killed the last pigeon that I have.

I do not know what should I do. I do not know whom to believe. I regret with my life now.

You know you have been given till this Satuday (11th October 2008) by 6.00 pm to look for me. You told me you always remember our wonderful moments. We have crafted our name in several places. If we are destined together you know where to find me. If by that time you did not appeared, it will be considered we are no longer meant to be together. Thank you for everything dear. You are my sweetest memories and yet the darkest nightmare I’ve had.

Sometimes people says “To turn a new page in life is to get back to where it is all begun” and malay proverb “Tersesat Jalan, Pulang Ke Pangkal Jalan - If you have lost, it is best to return to where it started”.

I’m not sure if you can find that road again. A poem by  Robert Frost, published in 1916, “The road not taken”

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
I’m sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Regards,

LUN MUVEM

it’s been a while I’ve been away and busy from my own blog. Well currently was tied up with work and going all out to assist my new employer towards achieving it’s target to be South East Asia’s Most Valued Universal Bank. Traveling a lot and so far managed to increased the performance on loan product from 52.5% in FEB to 92.5% in MARCH. Such a wonderful achievement, still, the target for 100% not there yet, and now it has been increased to RM200k instead of RM129k previously for our branch alone. It’s getting tougher now. Time to apply the high performance culture and get the action into motion to achieve results. Ganbatte ne!!!

On friday, my picture was displayed officially at my home branch.. (huhu now I can see how fat I am now) as a sign that it’s the time to get things in motion. I will motivate myself to learn and to work harder to build my career and who knows in 10 years time, I’ll be replacing Dato’ Nazir Razak as the new CEO.. ^_^ well that’s what I told my interviewer last time.

Today, Sg Buloh Branch was having Xpress Cash day and so happened I dropped by. Meet the staff there and unfortunately, Farah not around. So I decided to help the people the, get to know their customers and managed to close 4 deals.. (hehe even customers a bit weird at early stage since I did not wear my ID tag but managed to convinced them through my comm skills and support from the branch. It was fun and I’m happy to play my role as ambassador of the bank as medium to get upclose and personal with customers for them to deliver their concern.

This monday, again I’ll be travelling around to KLIA for a short meeting, on wednesday to deliver some briefing to CIMB clients and again on friday I may need to travel to Seremban again. We’ll see how things going. On 14th this month, will bring my crew to MAS Roadshow that will be attended by approx 18k people where again I may need to deliver speech on behalf of my bank. Depends.. hopefully my manager will be around

Will share some of my experience later on. Take care guys.

Assalamu’alaikum and greetings to all,

I know, i know some of you keep on sending messages to me asking most 3 popular questions:

1. Where have you been?
2. Why so quiet over there dude? Are you okay? How’s Life?
3. No updates in your blog, giving up already?

Well let me answer all these questions with 1 line of answer (drum rolls and deep breath);

I am okay, life rolling as per normal, learning new things everyday, too much things to experience which utilizes all my times that leaves me too little time to blog.

hehe, hope the answer answers your questions.

Now I’m living in my family’s mansion alone (not inclusive my pets) since they went for hajj until 2/1/2008. So I am the lord of the house for 2 months. Well kinda boring but then at least I have lots of stuff to do, the laundry, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kiddies (cats) so on so forth.

Working in shifts totally burn me out. Well not for long, thanks to Allah, with His guidance and mercy, I have been offered a better job with a better career perspective. Well still in Banking industry, only different bank. Now I will renew my career target, moving towards Branch manager. ^_^ With my new position now, I’ll be working normal office hour where I can start to make arrangements to further my studies. Looking forward to have a degree in Trade Finance, Since next year I’ll have my diploma in Finance management. I learn lots of things when I work from the lowest level, Learn to be more patience, to be well organized and what’s important the most, to be humble and willingness to learn.

I make the world as my classroom, my failure as my lecturer, comments and complaints around me as guidance and productivity as my exam paper. Towards the end, KPI and Score card is my exam result slip. ^_^ scoring A Band every months totally motivates me to move forward towards E Band (Excellence) which is 3 points away. Hopefully starting 15 JAN 08, I can work it out better in new environment and new working experience.

Planning maybe next year since I have 10 more days of Annual Leave not utilized, maybe planning to fly somewhere for a holiday after leaving OCBC and joining my new employer. Hurmm Any suggestion? Planning to go to:

a. Haadyai / Bali
b. Perth
c. Phillipines - Manila
d. Pulau Pangkor
e. Langkawi

hehe whatever it is I think I’ll consider Malaysia’s destination better since I might travel alone, a backpack travel to see more people and learn more culture.

I have a dream to travel to Rome, Paris and Andalusia especially to all 7 wonders of the world. I want to see the Great Pyramids, maybe to enter the tomb of Tutankhamen. Or to Rome to see the Aqueduct. Or maybe to Venice. Lots of things to do before I get married. Since I can afford to pay for my own travel and free like a wind to go where my feet wants to.

Okay, guess have to put a full stop here. Need to get ready for work. work at 3 pm today. Stay happy you guys and keep in touch.

Hopefully one day I can meet up with all my UTPians, SMKBBSBians, UTPROians, Syntech people and my secret admirer.. ehem2 (secret still will remain secret)

Adios and "pohon kemaafan andai ada tersilap tutur bicara"

Wassalam

AmiRuLez
12.15pm
19 NOV 2007

Anyone please tell me, how is it being unsecured???? You trust people but people never trust you???? You are struggling in the path to become someone to be loved but yet your struggle ends up to become worthless???? What am I??? a toy? plushie? or punch bag?? Am I a "thing" instead of human who has no feelings at all?? Why am I being treated this way?? Is it just because the thing called trust? There are so many ways to define trust, but then I have been victimised with this. Victim of trust. If this is what it means by trust, I prefer to live alone and it better for me not to trust anyone, anymore. It is too much. too much for me now. I have given out what I can. Rely on you. I guess I rely too much until now I do not know what I’m doing. I guess I was wrong. Relying to humans does not give me anything. I shold have rely more to god. God will never abandoned me and HE will always listen to my heart, my prayer and my cry. I will not cry anymore for human beings. My tears only for god who knows more what’s hidden in me.

I am so STRESSED and I am teribbly SAD. but no one cares even the on I loved. I hope i have already fulfill your needs. Once your needs is fulfilled up to you if you wanted to leave me. I’ll stay here. I will never put a hope to be loved by creatures named human anymore. It’s all lies. Love is a Lie. Unless someone can really prove and tell me what is love all about. I do not know what is it or how is it now. I am clueless, stupid now. a pure stupidity comes upon me.

I have no place to express my feelings, i guess here is fair enough. I hope that I was never borned.

@miRuLez…..

now 3.40am, and I”m here in my office. well will be working graveyard shift till 7/10/2007. There’s a lot of happening lately. I’m really stressed up with my work. The odd hours working really turn me down. Pity me, prior to this situation, my relationship becomes a bit complicated and a bit rocky these few weeks. Sigh. I know, stress is not healthy especially when relates to relationship. I’m praying my love would understand me and be patience as currently I’m waiting for other employer to confirm my position.

Yesterday I went to an interview for a new job which I’m positive it will bring brighter future for me as I can see the career path. Still the same in Banking industry, only different position. I’m doing all this due to 2 factors:

1. For my love and life

2. For my study

I have to make sacrifice in order to achieve my goal. Life must go on. Serously I cannot stand it since lately almost everytime when my love and me had a conversation on the phone, we always quarrel due to my stressful condition. hours and hours, and hundreds of ringgit spent on the phone not to talk about something nice and romantic like last time, but mostly quarrelling even on a small issue. Sounds ridiculous right? but that is what happened now which makes me even stressful and sad. I do not know how to express my feeling to my love since both of us have our problems. So I hope this blog can help me to release all that been keeping in me.

I am now changing to another person. I have make a promis to myself to become someone new. I want to create a better and great life. I want to forget about my past which is truly troublesome. It is not easy for me to forget someone that I truly love before who has left this world. But hey, life must go on. I’m still breathing and my storyline does not reach the end yet. the next page still empty and it’s the time for me to pick up the pen and start writing a new scene in my life story.

The reason being why i’m hunting for better career is to make sure I am able to allocate time for my study and more importantly for my love one. Working in shift really troubles us. I’m getting stressed and unfortunately my stress always being thrown to my couple. The thing is I do not know where to release it. Day by day it’s keep on adding up until to the extend now like a sleeping volcano waiting to erupt.

I hope my love one will understand me and give me some time to re-organize my life again for us. let’s pray my plan works.  Remember this, even anger reflected on my face, deep in my heart I will always love you as much as you do. I never have a grunge againts you.

Take care minna… @miRuLez

Moshi2 to all,

Long time I did not update my blog. Apologize in hands since my life a bit fully occupied. I have to fulfill my life and my love. Working is more challenging than before and I’m glad my lover was an understanding person. Since now is the month of Ramadhan, we try to lessen our activity to respect this holy month. I doubling up my ‘ibadah for the almighty hoping our love and my life will improve.

It is different having someone in your life than none. I’m having difficulties at first to adapt but now slowly and slowly the cloud become clearer. Well we quarrel as well once in a while. However to think back that someone is jealous and concerned about you is something that very nice to know. That is the proof of someone loving you so much, the intention not to be hurt and and wanted to make sure life in the right direction as well struggle to save the love from falling apart. I enjoyed it much even sometimes people commented it’s tiring. I admit when this happened, I have to maintained my calm and think positively. Why should I become the kerosene on top of a burning fire right? Someone need to become the water to put off the fire as well a pillow to comfort a falling heart. So that is me.

Well all, just had my sahur, now getting ready for work. Hope today will be another fine day for me.

Owh by the way, I have new babies now delivered from our love. The stork has delivered Stephen n Stephanie into our life. I will make sure they will enjoy our love as well. This cute little twins surely make our love stronger and deeper.

Thank you for waking me up dear.. ^_^ I know you have no credit.. that’s why I asked you to get a postpaid anyway….. LUN MVEM dear.. Love you so much

@miRuLez

Sorry didn’t mean to call you but i couldn’t fight it
I guess i was weak, couldn’t even hide it
And so i surrendered, just to hear your voice.

Don’t know how many times i said i’m gonna live without you,
And maybe someone else is standing there beside you,
But there’s something, baby you need to know.
That deep inside me, i feel like i’m dying. i have to see you, it’s all that i’m asking.

Vida, give me back my fantasy. the courage that i need to live,
The air that i breathe.
Cari?o mio, my world’s become so empty. the days are so cold and lonely
And each night i taste the purest of pain.

Quisiera decirte que hoy estoy de maravilla
Que no me ha afectado lo de tu partida
Pero con un dedo no se tapa el sol.

Estoy muriendo, muriendo por verte. agonizando, muy lento y muy fuerte.

Vida, devuelveme mis fantasias, mis ganas de vivir la vida, devuelveme el aire.
Cari?o mio, sin tin yo me siento vacio, las tardes son un laberinto, las noches
Me saben, a puro dolor.

Vida, give me back my fantasy. the courage that i need to live,
The air that i breathe.
Cari?o mio, my world’s become so empty. the days are so cold and lonely
And each night i taste the purest of pain.

I’m sorry i didn’t mean to call you but i couldn’t fight it.
I guess i was weak, couldn’t even hide it
And so i surrendered just to hear your voice.

today is sunday.. and while others are still in bed enjoying the sunday sunshine from their windows, I woke up as early as 5am to get ready for work. Well working in a multinational company that use Malaysia as a hub, indeed requires us here to work 24/7 on shift basis. Well the shift allowance was superb though.

Now I’m living back with my family in sg buloh. From now on, the toll is almost RM10 a day and petrol almost RM250 per month. Imagine how much do I spent for those. While the allowance for my travel only enough to cover my toll only. Sigh.. money so scarce today. Well since I live with my parents again, we can try to share the resources that we have. I admit it lessen a bit the burden. Only I’ll be more occupied my time.

I am considering still either to get a scooter.. (huhu nak jadi mamat skuter plak) to travel to work. So pity my car, have to travel long distance everyday. SgBlh to CyJaya. But hehe Í hope I can get my new gen2 soon, since I lived in SgBlh, savvy too small for my mom to bring her for a spin.

Well still in the office, not much to do today since it’s sunday. So I just finishing all the remaining leftover work from yesterday. So cold here..

Hurmm about what happened yesterday. Was trying my best to contained my feelings. I just simply keep it closely inside. I hope that I can solve it soon. It is about me anyway. The blame is mine. So let me live with it.

Well need to resume my work. After some discussion with my manager. ^_^ Happy weekends to all

today is the most saddest day in my life. Due to my selfishness and foolishness, I almost lost my pearl of life. I have no intentions to get into this mess. But it happens due to I’m over protective to myself. Prior to this I have been labeled as a big liar, and all. It’s ok, the blame is mine.

This is what actually happened.
I known this person from a personal site. The intentions just to be friends, not more than that. Since we talk a lot about our career and stuff. Even discuss about our love ones. I never thought into extend that it will lead to something else. I almost trapped on the trap that I build myself. I’m the one who choose that road. I glad that God protected me that nite.

My love’s curiosity and feelings was never wrong. predictions, thoughts and empathy always gets almost to the right point. called me to get explanations. Since this thing is a big impact to my love, it seems the trust is no longer at it’s place. I admit I’m losing. At first, to lesser the suffering on both side I thought to go to separate ways is the best option. But in the car, I can’t help myself to think how much happiness we have built. All the sadness, challenges, happy moments we went through together slap my face to look in the bright side. Thus I will not destroy it further even I have destroy my love’s feelings. Why should I destroy things further? when I can take my time to fix the crack on the building that we have built?

I should have listened to advise to stay away from the world that I’m not supposed to be. I never thought it will get to this extend. However my lust, desire and yes stubbornness overcome the practical and logical minds. As you can see I blame myself. Yes, I shouldn’t take the first move.

So basically, it is not easy to maintain a relationship rather than building or destroying it. I am aware with that. However I do not why, why I keep on repeating the same mistakes? It is because we are not meant to be together, or it’s just a test to see how far we can go from here. I am proud we are able to maintained our relationship up to day. It’s almost 6 months now with all the hassle and things. We make it till now. Right now I will follow what my heart says. I will not walk away. If I can fix it like before, why can’t I now? Maybe the difficulty level now is higher but it’s not impossible. I will do what I can to make it back to glory as before even if I have to drag my self.

Now I realize that love is not a toy to play with, and friendship is not something to be compromised. I will really be careful in choosing friends now. And be extra careful in taking their words. I will do what I can to set back the train on it’s track and amend the hole on the building crack. If you still think I’m not worth for your love… than I am a total failure. Don’t blame yourself or hurt yourself because of me. It is me who should do that.

sadness - sorrow - grief
…… @miRuLez ……..